Sunday, July 28, 2019

The Deal Of The Century

I went out last night and did some dancing.  Or a lot of dancing.  Enough to be absolutely soaked with sweat by the time we left.  Being in that environment got me thinking about dating again.  I haven't dated in years for a variety of reasons, but mostly because it's a pain in the ass.

I woke up this morning horny, and I realized that I had choice to make.  I could go out and start rounding up phone numbers and schedule a few dates and hope I get lucky, which would take time and some cost (even if it's just coffee, or a joint, or a bottle of wine).  Or I could go home and jerk off.  I did a cost-benefit analysis, and it turns out the upsides of jerking off were fabulous.

I can do it as soon as I get home, and I don't have to wait.

It saves me the time and trouble of dating.

It costs me nothing.

I still give myself the best hand job in town.

How could I pass up that deal?  People talk about jerking off like it's a bad thing.  I call it the Deal Of The Century.  Jerking off is completely painless (unless you overdo it and rub your dick raw, but I haven't done that since I was a teenager).  Dating isn't painless at all.  There are a hundred pains in the ass from dating.  The flaking.  The games.  The secrets.  The lies.  The expectations.  The ingratitude.  The anxiety.  The uncertainty.  The drama.  The fact that I have no time for problems caused by some dude with issues, because I already told you stop talking to them and you could solve the problem yourself in two seconds: delete, block, goodbye.

Plus, when you've really got the hots for a girl you'll do some crazy shit for her.  Fending off idiots.  Buying shit neither of you need.  Checking your phone like a crack fiend to see if she's gotten back to you yet.  It's all madness, and I don't have the capacity for any more madness right now.  I am barely staying sane as it is, trying to make ends meet.  I'm already moving to Africa and starting over in January.  All I want is some peace.

It's not the relationship part of the process I have a problem with.  It's the dating.  If it were possible to skip dating and go straight into a relationship, I'd be all for it.  But that's not how it works.  You have to go through the dating minefield first: a bunch of desperate and confused people acting like they know what they are doing, when in reality nobody knows what they're doing and we're all confused by our very existence.  It’s a silly show. 

If you think of life in terms of a movie, a bunch of wild love affairs would be a much more interesting movie than a guy jerking off.  But life isn't a movie.  And jerking off is the Deal Of The Century.  And it's not my fault nobody has been able to make a better offer in a while.